Current song playing: All Alone - Fun (oh how ironic)
Current location: My study table
Current time: 6:47 AM
Current state: Gaseous


I need to let it out. So here it is. If one day, you chance upon this, just ignore it, dont need to bring it up cause I'd probably be okay(or dead) by then. (Yea you know who you are)

So yesterday was The day.
Nope, not any special day. Just The day which was very much anticipated. (Oh was it?)

So...
I finished reading Fault in Our Stars by John Green.
Really amused at how much it has changed me. (Did it exactly change me? Haha okay cut the crap.)

I despise the book for grabbing me by the neck and throwing me down to earth (oh hello there, ground).
Basically, I despise the harsh reality it portrays.
Why the need for so much happiness at first and then depression after that?!

I love the book for being in my life at the right moment, at the right place. So f-king apt.
So here is what I've gathered...

You know what Life does to you?
He (i chose a male version of it because right now i dont rly like males) gives you happiness and once you have gotten used to the idea of it...
BAM BAM BAM KABOOM
He smacks you down to the bottom of the pit. The darkest hole.
The heart-wrenching depression of the mountain which is Life. (get the pun?)

He wants to be noticed. He wants to be felt. (sounds familiar?)

What am I to do?
What am I to do when I genuinely want you to be happy?
What am I to do when I genuinely want you to be happy but not in that way?
What am I to do when I genuinely want you to be happy but not in that way, not from someone else?
What am I to do when I know I need to let YOU go?

Let you go then. (easier said than done)

(Did I ever own you? Was I ever holding on to you?) Ofcourse I did. Ofcourse I was.

I told you I'm fine with it. I am(just indulging in self-denial aye?)

I need you to be happy and I know my time is up.
I cant give you the kind of happiness you now need.

So I am backing out. I am laying down my card.
I'm quitting this game.

Note and beware of the side effect: Meanness.
(I am mean to all my close friends and since you are my best friend, well goodluck to you)

I've got nothing left inside my chest but it's all right~~

if Ignorance is really bliss.

Right now, my mind's not exactly at peace.
Firstly, I hate checking the mail. The bombarding of work by teachers of all subjects just makes me so damn stressed and worked up. I dont want to behave like an ordinary teenager complaining about School/Life but maybe the people up there should care more about our (the younger generation) well being. Success is not everything in Life, is it? Why must we work so damn hard for it? Happiness is what we exactly need to fight for. Well that's what I think. (&we're all gonna die anyway)
Which brings me to the next contributing factor as to why I'm ranting on this fucking page.
They say Happiness comes within. One creates their own source of happiness. How we see things shapes our mindset and hence if we choose to see the depressing side of Life, we mould ourselves into those emotional pessimistic people whom others are annoyed with.
But fuck, when shits are being thrown in your face, what the fuck do you do?
Ignore and continue smiling when the stench is killing you?
Or fucking wipe the shits off?
The latter, I suppose?
I am trying.


Call me selfish but I want to be happy. Usually, I'm happy when I'm loved. Yeap, fucking pathetic I know.
That's just how I am. A pathetic pile of shit.

I want the best for you. I really do.
No matter what, it's best if you move on first. Cause I dont ever want to leave you behind.

But now that you've moved on, I feel the pinch. Fuck that, not a pinch, a blow.
A punch in the stomach. A stab in the heart.
When you say I should let things out/should let you know.... I think of the consequences of that.
If you were to know how much pain I'm feeling, You'd feel guilty wont you?

Then what's the point?

The purpose of moving on is to get rid of the pain. If I were to tell you the problems I have with how you're moving on, it would defeat the purpose of you moving on.

Therefore, the only things I should be allowed to say to you are words of happiness, positivity, hope.
Right now, I'm devoid of that.

So should we talk still? Should we be friends still?
Or should I fight my feelings and stay strong for the sake of our friendship?