I've never been so "off" in my life. The sight of you suffering and fighting for your life still haunts me eventhough I've not seen you today. I keep thinking of you and how it feels like to be you, living your last moments of life not being able to talk, see clearly, and ofcourse most importantly, not being able to move. 

The tears in your eyes were not so obvious but everyone felt it. On Saturday,when i stepped into that room, i told myself i could keep calm and just keep chanting my prayers. But when mum touched your hand and whispered into your ears, the tears just went all out. I couldnt believe it, you were leaving us anytime. Anytime. 

But why? I wonder what made you still continue fighting when the pain you're bearing is just so much, i cant say it in words. Doctor kept reminding my aunts, uncles, cousins, the whole family in fact that you are brain dead. Brain dead. We didnt believe it, we knew you still could hear us and listen to what we said, so we didnt stop talking to you.

We stayed by your side until the doctor asked us all to leave cause he had to take off that huge machine which had made breathing for you easier. The doctor said something like "It'll take 2-3 hours before some people will go, but some people will take days. I have a strong feeling she'll take hours as she has been verryyyy dependent on it. So I hope, all of you are prepared for...yea..."

I've never like doctors/nurses in NUH. Honestly they can fucking quit their job and be guards who just laze around. No offense ok wtv. You, proved that fucking doctor wrong. You were still fighting for your life after that huge machine was taken away. I loved you for that, for fighting hard and not leaving us yet. But after wards, when your condition got worse and you had to literally force yourself to breathe, I no longer wanted you to do that. I wanted you to take a "rest". It hurts, it bloody hurts to see You suffering so much. 

So up till now, you're still present. You're still with us, physically.  Since you've not lost hope, we will not either. I love you.

Raye this year wont be the same. In fact, I dont want to raye this year. It sucks to see people from my mum's family to be so sad and not at all lively. We'll all be thinking of you and how you had been the one being so "kecoh". I dont want to raye, i'll just be thankful that I dont have to fast anymore. 

I'm not being me now i just feel different and yea. Thanks Aqilah for being the only friend who actually was there for me when this thing happened and assuring me that I could take it. Thank you (L) And also, thank you blf for comforting me and actually taking my feelings and thoughts seriously. I know you care and pls dont worry about me anymore ok. I can take care of myself.

Bye.